It’s that time of year here in Sapporo, where the snow just keeps on coming, homes are cleaned, and KFC pre-orders are made (oh, we’ll get to that). But for my mother and father-in-law it means mahjong. More accurately, 3 days of Japanese riichi mahjong that suck every brain cell from my head and leaves my spirit in complete shambles, pining for a simple game of checkers.

I often have thought that playing mahjong with my wife’s family was some sort of test; that they had intentionally created its bizarre rules as a means to frustrate me, to make me break and scare the white barbarian devil out of me. But alas, that was just wishful thinking. The game, and its absurd rules are very real, developed over the course of many decades until it reached its current sadomasochistic state.

I won’t bore you with the extensive rule set that riichi mahjong burdens its players with. There are numerous attempts (European Mahjong Association, Wikipedia) to document game play, but they usually read like they were made by some AI on a sake bender. For a more accurate walkthrough, I recommend this rather long youtube video featuring a headless narrator. Even he sounds inhuman. Like he spent too much time playing this ass backwards Chinese-import torture game.

But, to give you just a taste of the sheer incomprehensibility of the game, here is how a game of riichi mahjong initiates during the New Year’s holiday in snowy Sapporo.

1. First, a mahjong tabletop (perfectly square bordered with raised wooden edges and covered by felt) is placed on top of an equally square table. Four chairs are put around said table, a fifth is put to the side to hold various extra implements required for the game and/or for the dog to sleep on. Once this is done we all wait in stressful un-anticipation for the game to begin at a later point.

2. “Mahjong da yo!!!!” is exclaimed by my father-in-law, at which point we all stop doing whatever trivial task we were concerned with and run to the mahjong table. Swiftness is the order of the day here. I once left the toilet mid-crap in order to not shame the mahjong gods by being tardy. Nature can wait!

3. Now the real opening moments of the game begin. 136 mahjong tiles lay haphazardly on the table. First we must find the 4 different wind tiles – North, East, South, and West (or Pei, Ton, Nan, Sha – using the on’yomi pronunciation). These are placed face down and shuffled. Then each person (in our family we start eldest to youngest) chooses one of these tiles. The player who chose East (Ton) will then choose where they will sit for the duration of the game. Choose wisely. Think about sunlight from the windows, access to bathrooms, and where in relation to your seat alcoholic beverages can be placed. This is the one decision in the game where you have true agency and a means to affect your personal happiness.

After the East player sits, the player who chose South sits counterclockwise to them, followed by West, then North. If your still awake and reading this, you might have noticed how this seating arrangement is completely ass backward and at odds with all modern knowledge of geographic space.

Of course, this doesn’t  represent who will start the game as East, South, West, and South respectively. That would be too logical. Nope, now the East player has to role a pair of dice and count counterclockwise starting with the dice roller. The player the number falls on is the new East. Just kidding! No they aren’t. This player must roll the dice again following the same process. The result oft this roll finally determines who will be East and all the other winds fall in place. You could easily skip this and roll the dice just once, but rules are the rules.

4. Now, after that rather joyless game of musical chairs. the real work begins. Work? You didn’t think we were actually going to start playing did you? A common novice mistake. Mahjong is not about the game. It is about the struggle. We now have to meticulously arrange these 136 tiles into four, two-tiered walls. Since most commoners lack the assistance expensive automatic mahjong tables provide, this becomes an arduous process requiring manual dexterity, quickness, and a non-Parkinson’s steadiness of hand. All the players mix the tiles, sweeping their hands manically around the tabletop. Then each player makes a row of 17 tiles, face down, then another row of 17 tiles which are stacked on top of each other via a magical slight of hand that after four years of practice I have only just mastered. This creates a “wall”, and all four walls are slid to the center to create a perfect square. Don’t let any of the tiles fall off the wall as you slide them forward. Just don’t.

5. Finally, we can begin our game of mahjong. Just kidding! No, we got a while to go before any “fun” can be experienced.

Next we break out the dice again. The dealer, representing the East wind, rolls the dice, and starting with themselves counts counterclockwise the number rolled. That player’s wall is then seperated, or “broken”, by counting from the right the number of tiles matching the number on the dice. Then, counting from the right of this break, after seven tiles pairs, another break is made, setting aside 14 tiles know as “the dead wall”. Got that? Okay, moving on.

6. Next, a special “dora indicator” tile is flipped over from the top of the “dead wall”, three tiles to the right. This will be used to determine bonus points in your mahjong hand, should the game actually begin at some point.

Funny fact. The dora isn’t actually the tile revealed. It is the next tile in the progression. So if a 5 bamboo is showing, bonus points are awarded if you have 6 bamboo in your hand. Ain’t majhong cooky?

7. We having fun yet? Now comes the deal. Careful, I’ve actually developed dyslexia during this part of the set up. Starting with the dealer (East), and moving to the next player counterclockwise, 4 tiles are taken from wall (left of the dead wall) clockwise. So, maybe this diagram can help with understanding the mental gymnastics needed to execute this correctly:

After each player has 12 tiles, the dealer takes 2 tiles, skipping one in between. The remaining players then take one tile each.

Congratulations! You are now ready to play riichi mahjong.

Suffice to say, it takes quite a few mahjong nights to get this procedure down. I was happy just being able to do this without any serious hiccups. Actual game play is another matter. Usually at the midway point of the game I require a rather stiff drink to numb myself. Surprisingly, this helps my overall gameplay.

So give riichi mahjong a try. I’m sure it will be a rewarding experience.